The Rules of China

Rules of China

1. Twins have to wear exactly the same clothes.
2. Whenever concrete is laid, no matter how much of a barrier is put around it someone will tread on it and drive an ebike through it.
3. If you have a haircut, the hairdresser will use spray and gel to stick your hair directly up, no matter how many times you tell them not to.
4. If you are cold, you will get a cold.
5. If you have a baby, you can’t leave your bed, shower or wash for a month after birth!
6. If you get a haircut a month after spring festival, your mother’s older brother will die!
7. If you give your partner a pair of shoes as a present, they will use them to walk away from you, so you have to sell them to your partner for 1 Yuan.
8. Drinking hot water will cure any illness.
9. Drinking cold water will cause all illnesses.
10. If you order food in pizza hut, they will give you the wrong order, even if you speak Chinese, they speak English, or you point directly at a picture and text and say ‘I want this one, this one, this one, THIS ONE!!!’
11. Chinese Medicine is completely proven and verified, anyone who says it’s not is completely insane and doesn’t understand anything about anatomy.
12. Chairman Mao was 70% right, 30 % wrong.
13. Japan is 100% wrong, evil and wicked! 
14. All Japanese people say the invasion of China and the Rape of Nanjing never happened.
15. The Japanese raped and murdered eleventy gazillion Chinese people.
16. Mao caused the death of a few people.
17. In winter, dogs have to wear clothes, otherwise they freeze to death.
18. No matter how squeaky the brakes are on your push bike you cannot get them changed, even though it only costs 1 Yuan.
19. Whilst driving, looking behind has no use whatsoever.
20. If an old person has collapsed on the floor, you cannot help them up.
21. If you get it any kind of car or bike accident you have to fall on the floor and cry out in agony until the police get there to show that you are more hurt than the other party, therefore making it their fault!
22. Foreigners are taller because they drink more milk growing up.
23. Western food has only 2 dishes, burger and chips and steak and chips.
24. ‘pencil box’ and ‘ball pen’ are real words in English because Chinese English teachers say so.
25. Babies and children can pee and poo wherever they want.
26. Crossing the road does not require looking both ways, or even one way.
27. Whilst driving, you do not need to look whilst pulling in to a road, no matter how busy or fast it is.
28. A mobile phone shop has to have a speaker out the front of the shop playing terrible music extremely loudly.
29. If someone holds a door open for you, you are not allowed to say ‘thank you’.
30. You can spit wherever you like.
31. You can throw rubbish on the floor because otherwise the road sweepers won’t have a job to do.
32. When cheers-ing with someone, the rim of your glass has to be lower than the rim of theirs.
33. If someone lights your cigarette you have to tap their hand twice with your finger.
34. ‘medicine alcohol’ despite being over 50% is very good for you!
35. When running, girls have to wave their arms around pathetically.
36. When speaking on the phone you have to raise the level of your voice to shouting volume.
37. You have to stomp your feet as loudly as possible whilst walking up stairs.
38. Putting a few random English words in to a pop song will make it a success.
39. When translating something from Chinese to English, never confirm the translation with a native speaker.  Even if the translation is the name of a spelling competition being held at an English School with 11 foreign teachers. 
40. If there is a very large pothole in the road, there will be a plant or small tree inside.
41. Walking backwards is more good for you than walking forwards.
42. When on your period, you cannot consume anything cold.
43. Chinese men are not allowed to stand within two feet of a urinal.
44. A no smoking sign does not mean no smoking.
45. Girls must take at least 50 photos of themselves with their mobile phones each day, then add funny effects and text and combine them together in to lots of compilation pictures and post them online.
46. Men smoke, girls don’t.
47. Children and teenagers are not allowed to have hobbies, or partake in any kind of recreational activity, they are only allowed to go to school, then go home and do homework until bedtime seven days a week.  However they are allowed to play rule 60.
48. At road crossings, the green man means you are allowed to cross the road, but you still have to watch out for cars as at the same time there are also green lights for cars.
49. Never tread on a manhole cover.
50. Going to the park and standing next to and hitting your back against a tree is a form of exercise that is very good for you.
51. Snack food packaging must be so strong that it is almost impossible to open.
52. Apart from snack food packaging, everything is made shabbily and falls apart and breaks after a few uses.
53. If people fight on the street, you can stand around and watch but can’t intervene.
54. Men can hit women.
55. TV channels are all at random volumes.
56. Adverts of TV are always louder than the TV show.
57. You can’t cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze.
58. When an ambulance is rushing down the road with it’s sirens on you don’t have to move out of the way.
59. All TV show voices are dubbed.
60. ALL Chinese people play a secret game of ‘last one on the train is a rotten egg’
61. You don’t need to stop your car when making a phone call
62. If you do want to, you don’t need to pull over, you can just stop in the middle of the road.
63. You don’t need to wait for people to get off a train before you get on.
64. If someone is fat, or has put on weight, you have to tell them how fat they are.
65. When something starts drawing to a close, you have to leave as fast as you can.
66. In films, Japanese people can not smile, and they can only laugh if they do so whilst killing a Chinese person.
67. Any internal problems in China can be blamed on the Chinese population being so big.
68. If you want to complain about anything to the government, you can only do it on complain day.
69. The numbers on cash machine pin pads are never in the same order.
70. If your phone rings and you are somewhere quiet, rather than rushing to mute it you slowly pull it out of your bag and then stare at it.
71. Chinese TV will only show good things about China and bad things about foreign countries.
72. When a kid gets home they can’t knock on the door but scream “MUM, OPEN THE DOOR, MUM!!!” as the walk up the stairs.
73. If you knock on a door and no-one answers after 3 seconds you have to bang loudly and repeatedly.
74. Fridge freezers are nearly always upside down, as the freezer is on the top so you have to bend down to get the milk.
75. If you take painkillers, you will die an early death.
76. The same music plays when dialling any phone call.
77. In western countries, parents throw their children out of the house when they turn 18, whether the child wants to leave or not.
78. The trucks that spray the roads with water will do their job, even if it is raining heavily.
79. The colour green is good for your eyes.
80. All westerners look the same.
81. When entering a restaurant, every waiter and waitress will ask you how many people in your party.
82. Whenever Chinese people go on any kind of trip they have to buy massive amounts of snack food and water and carry it round everywhere.
83. When using a public toilet for a no. 2 you don’t need to close the door, even if it’s busy.
84. the lower a car revs are the more petrol you save.
85. eating black sesame seeds will make your hair turn black(er)
86. If you fall asleep with anything resting on your chest you will have nightmares.